This was originally published in Dig Boston's "Oh, Cruel World!" column
A-pedal left, a-pedal right, a-pedal side-by-side
down Massachusetts Avenue, headed swiftly Cambridge-side,
when by the corner of mine eye a creature did appear
who rode atop a dark blue steed and wreaked of hate and fear.
Though I held green, the beast turned right on red, so full of pride.
He cast no glance around him — I careened into his side!
“What are you, fucking retarded?” he spoke, “You dumb fuckin’ little shit!
I’ve got four fucking wheels, so get off the goddamn road you asshole!”
I turned to him in shock with piercing daggers in my eyes:
“Indeed, good sir, you broke the law — and neither did you rhyme!”
“Fuck you, you little cocksucker. I’ll hit you again if you don’t get out of my fucking way!”
I said I’d call the men of law to see what they had to say.
He disembarked his steed and lumbered forth in my direction,
“Go on you fucking prick, I fucking dare you. Go ahead, call the fucking cops. You’re the god damn retard here.”
“Forsooth, dear sir!” I doth protested, “for thou art in the wrong!”
“You shit-eating little pussy, go ahead. Here’s my fucking license plate.”
With that burst, he mounted back upon his armored steed
and drove away, leaving me to contemplate his deed.
I paused for breathe, considering the issue challenged me.
I grabbed my phone, called 911, and told them everything.
So I write to you, owner of blue jeep with a license plate of [REDACTED]:
Have fun paying off my college loans when I sue your ass for aggravated assault with a motor vehicle, dick.